Oh My Baby!

The past few years being married, I have always thought that I was the only one thinking and thinking and worrying about life.

I guess these days, I realize that it's just the worry-wart in me that makes me feel so stressed, and that my husband actually does it better and merely chooses the battles he will worry about and fight.

Don't get me wrong. Most of the time I am able to do this for work-related issues and concerns - after all, I have been through the work-martyr phase in my youth, and see totally no point in it. Working smarter is the answer, more than working harder. But I digress.

My point is, with my head all wrapped up in self-righteous indignation that my husband usually does not carry his weight of worrying and thinking about issues that I think he should be worrying and thinking about, I totally forget that he actually does worry and think about our family issues. So I found myself surprised today when he looked so depressed - and was actually near tears - with the recent health developments for our little boy.

All sorts of things happen to our little boy, which makes us both (apparently!) think about what is wrong with our parenting. Do we not do enough or care enough for our little love? If we did, how come he has all sorts of things happening to him? Skin asthma. Hospitalization due to dehydration. Really bad teeth that now need drastic saving measures: extraction of all eight upper and lower front teeth, jackets for all molars and canines.

Ahh they say the Lord only sends trials that you can handle. And I know - we both know, my husband and I - that our baby can have worse health issues. It's not so much the financial implication of these things, but more the thought of how our little boy will be able to cope. We don't want to be overprotective, but the possibility of bullying and all the unpleasant things in life is all too real. Moreover, it's just the helplessness, I guess, the not knowing why and how this is all happening, that is getting to us both.

Prayers and love keep us strong. But I am wondering, maybe we should bring our baby to a healing priest.

Cramming

Why does my brain work so well during crunch time?

I certainly am not complaining, but sometimes I wish I had less procrastination tendencies. It would make for a normal, snail-paced life. Snail-paced, but perfectly tranquil.

But oh so boring...

When You are Just Being Stupid

Ahh life.

I have to say I am far from being the stupidest person alive. I'm pretty sure I exercise my common sense 90% of the time.

But Lord, please, why am I deliberately stupid in this job? *throws hands up in the air in exasperation*

One part of me is laughing. This is exactly what I hate about there people: non-thinking automatons. The other part is frustrated. You NEVER bite the hand that feeds.

It's just another day in this drudgery.

Last Stretch

It may feel like the last stretch in this phase of my life.

Lord, grant me the strength to make it to the finish line. Give me the will to make it through.

No, it's not as bad as you would think it is. It's not even bad, by any stretch. It's just...me. Running on empty. Again. But I cannot slack off; it is not me. I know I need to give this job my best. After all, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I mess this all up. It will be for my sanity's sake to perform at my best.

But, Lord, how much I want to just up and leave! To be irresponsible, and just drop everything in the pursuit of...

And that's it. In the pursuit of what? I don't want this anymore, but I have not looked for an alternate route yet. There is a fork in the road, but I don't even know if I want to (or have the guts to) take that unknown turn. This is the well-traveled route. I know it like the back of my hand; I know it will yield the security and comfort that I need to keep my sanity, and to keep my family.

But Lord how I wish I were stronger and would stop being weak, and find the thing that will make my life worth living. I still don't know what it is. Even years of complaining does not compel me to look for it.

I guess I've done it once, made a leap of faith. So far, it has been good. Not as smooth as if I'd done what I was expected to do, but still worth it all.

In a couple of months, I - we - will be embarking on a journey. To a place far from the comforts of home and the immediate support of loved ones. As usual, my brain cannot rest until it has thought of all the things that might go wrong - this is, I know, what makes me very hard to live with. But, at the same time, my self is jumping, so ready to take the plunge to the unknown. Maybe it's time to discover a real passion, maybe it's time to be someone else.

Or maybe I do need a real vacation. And maybe I just need to haul ass off the couch and start looking for that thing that I will be passionate about.