It may feel like the last stretch in this phase of my life.
Lord, grant me the strength to make it to the finish line. Give me the will to make it through.
No, it's not as bad as you would think it is. It's not even bad, by any stretch. It's just...me. Running on empty. Again. But I cannot slack off; it is not me. I know I need to give this job my best. After all, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I mess this all up. It will be for my sanity's sake to perform at my best.
But, Lord, how much I want to just up and leave! To be irresponsible, and just drop everything in the pursuit of...
And that's it. In the pursuit of what? I don't want this anymore, but I have not looked for an alternate route yet. There is a fork in the road, but I don't even know if I want to (or have the guts to) take that unknown turn. This is the well-traveled route. I know it like the back of my hand; I know it will yield the security and comfort that I need to keep my sanity, and to keep my family.
But Lord how I wish I were stronger and would stop being weak, and find the thing that will make my life worth living. I still don't know what it is. Even years of complaining does not compel me to look for it.
I guess I've done it once, made a leap of faith. So far, it has been good. Not as smooth as if I'd done what I was expected to do, but still worth it all.
In a couple of months, I - we - will be embarking on a journey. To a place far from the comforts of home and the immediate support of loved ones. As usual, my brain cannot rest until it has thought of all the things that might go wrong - this is, I know, what makes me very hard to live with. But, at the same time, my self is jumping, so ready to take the plunge to the unknown. Maybe it's time to discover a real passion, maybe it's time to be someone else.
Or maybe I do need a real vacation. And maybe I just need to haul ass off the couch and start looking for that thing that I will be passionate about.
Lord, grant me the strength to make it to the finish line. Give me the will to make it through.
No, it's not as bad as you would think it is. It's not even bad, by any stretch. It's just...me. Running on empty. Again. But I cannot slack off; it is not me. I know I need to give this job my best. After all, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I mess this all up. It will be for my sanity's sake to perform at my best.
But, Lord, how much I want to just up and leave! To be irresponsible, and just drop everything in the pursuit of...
And that's it. In the pursuit of what? I don't want this anymore, but I have not looked for an alternate route yet. There is a fork in the road, but I don't even know if I want to (or have the guts to) take that unknown turn. This is the well-traveled route. I know it like the back of my hand; I know it will yield the security and comfort that I need to keep my sanity, and to keep my family.
But Lord how I wish I were stronger and would stop being weak, and find the thing that will make my life worth living. I still don't know what it is. Even years of complaining does not compel me to look for it.
I guess I've done it once, made a leap of faith. So far, it has been good. Not as smooth as if I'd done what I was expected to do, but still worth it all.
In a couple of months, I - we - will be embarking on a journey. To a place far from the comforts of home and the immediate support of loved ones. As usual, my brain cannot rest until it has thought of all the things that might go wrong - this is, I know, what makes me very hard to live with. But, at the same time, my self is jumping, so ready to take the plunge to the unknown. Maybe it's time to discover a real passion, maybe it's time to be someone else.
Or maybe I do need a real vacation. And maybe I just need to haul ass off the couch and start looking for that thing that I will be passionate about.
No comments:
Post a Comment